The Wit and Wisdom of Coach McGuirk
The Tao of McGuirk (Rhymes with Jerk)


The Tao of McGuirk (Rhymes with Jerk)
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When the world's got you down, just remember this...

(New Tao entries in green)

"No, I'm not going to leave you out here. If I do that, I'll probably get fired, and then I'll do something stupid, and then I'll go back to jail"

"Well, fighting is bad to begin with, right? So if you're going to fight, you're already wrong. I mean, you're already at the party, so why not fight dirty?"

"Brendon, you're a smart kid. You're not a strong kid, you're not a tough kid, but you're smart. Fighting is a mental thing, it's like a mental game, so you should use that. Say, for instance, I was in a fight, I might say "look over there", and when the guy does, I'll hit him"

Coach McGuirk: "I was in a fight last week"
Brendon: "With who?"
Coach: "You know Roger?"
Brendon: "Roger? The guy who plays forward? He's got kind of a big mouth"
Coach: "Well, not anymore"

"Actually, soccer is not the only thing I teach. Soccer is fall and winter. I also have a spring sport, which is also soccer, but they're seperated, so I guess I only teach soccer"

Brendon: "Hey, Coach, how are you doing?"
Coach McGuirk: "Well, I just drank pee. How are you doing?"

"So this is funny...anybody can become a soccer coach. Like they don't regulate it. You have to get a degree to be a school nurse right? So you're qualified...I'm not, which is amazing. That you can become a coach of a sport that you don't even care about, you don't know how to play, you're not good with kids...but I've had the job for three years."


"Women are like men, but men are nothing like women"

"Women are an interesting bunch. I'll make an analogy here, they're like grapes. Thats all I've got, really. You see, I said bunch, so I thought of grapes. If I had said women are an interesting group..I would've thought of grapes as well."

"Why am I coaching soccer? And why am I not coaching public speaking?!? Because that's all you people do is public speak!!!"

"Well, I thought it went pretty well, except for the part where my credit card was turned down, which I thought was funny, but you didn't"

"So I got drunk, and I went into the parlor and said "Give me a picture of that cow on the cheese 'cuz I love that cheese. Give me that cow on that cheese". See this? That's right it's the bannana lady from the bannanas. I get drunk one night, and now my body looks like a grocery store. Dont get a tattoo. Play soccer."

Coach: "How come you never carried me off the field?"
Brendon: "We tried, but you were too big"
Coach: "What?"
Brendon: "I were too drunk"
Coach: "Yes. Yes I was. And I'll tell you something, Brendon, I am everyday. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't carry me off the field."

"Hi. I'm John McGuirk, and I am a professional soccer coach at the elementary school level. The kind of woman I'm interested in is the type that is still watching this tape. I also have a very nice car, although technically I don't have legal access to it at this time."

"So I said you want it clean? Why don't you clean it? Clean it yourself! Clean it yourself!! And I haven't spoken to my mother since then."

"Oh. Oh, God, this is a good sausage!!"

"Well, the coffee maker was on the I pushed it out the window...onto your car."

"New York Times?
New York TIMES!?!??
You think you're better than us?
No Way!"

"Y'know, Naturally I'm not an angry person; just - I hate people, I hate my job, and, I hate my mother - I dunno, work with that."

"Look at him out there, so small, so defenseless, he's like a chipmunk, with a disease... who didn't like that analogy?"

"I swear to god, I'm gonna come down hard on you on Monday. It's gonna be like a friggin' hurricane!"


"Anything too hard in life is never worth doing".
(Thanks to Eric B. for that one!)

"Name's Bagger, sir. Bagger McGuirk!"
"That was straight down the middle, sir!  Like a bead of sweat trickling down between a woman's...."
"Are you trading on-line, Brendan?  Are you?  Because if you are, I want in on it..."
"Is taken?"

"This is your intervention, Brendon. Come on, people, intervene, I don't really know how these things work. What are you looking at me for? That's it. Intervention over. Brendon, get off the drugs."
"I read a pamphlet last night! It didn't go so well, did it? So, who has egg on their face? Brendon or Coach McGuirk? Coach McGuirk!"
(Thanks to Alyssa W. from for those entries!)

"Something, something, something run.  Something, something, something sun"
(Thanks to Biohazard, Brian S.!)